1) ‘This is the Vodafone voice mail service for [mobile number]’

‘I should have changed this week’s ago when my phone told me to but it stopped reminding me and I have no self motivation to figure out how to do it. I will also never listen to your message.’

2) ‘Hello this is Mr. Smith. Please leave a message.’

‘I have rigid morning and evening rituals and my work desk is colour coded.’

3) ‘Hello this is Mrs. Smith, head of Brighton dentistry, Bsc, PhD. Leave your name and your number and I will call you back when I am available.’

‘I never get time for sex and I live with 20 cats.’

4) Any pop song eg ‘I don’t feel like picking up the phone today. ..’

‘This took 22 tries. My instagram is full of overly complicated selfies and I try way too hard to make it look like I’m interesting.’

5) ‘Hello? Hello? Hello? AHA! Got you. Leave a message.’

‘I’m either 15 years old or I’m 40 and live at home refusing to mature past the mental age of 15.’

6) ‘This is Mummy’s phone. Leave Mummy a message.’

‘If you invite me out, I will tell you every single poop my child has had in great detail. I applied for Toddlers and Tiaras because to me my child is an accessory.’

7) ‘Welcome to BT call minder. Say your name followed by the hash key.’

‘I’m deeply xenophobic and I read the Daily Mail and/or I believe in conspiracy theories.’

8) ‘I am either not available or my phone is off. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.’

‘I’m screening your call and I will never call you back.’

9) ‘Welcome to the EE messaging service. ..’

‘I got totally screwed when my phone company became EE and now my contract is twice as expensive, my signal is shocking but the website is so uniquely user unfriendly that I’ve given up complaining every time I’ve ever tried.’

10) ‘welcome to GIF GAFS voice mail. ..’

‘I’m a cheap skate and this phone is a knock off made by child slaves.’

11) ‘This is  (woman) ‘Emma’, (man) ‘Fred’, (boy) ‘Tommy’ and (girl) ‘Katie’. We are not available right now.’

‘We play happy families but Emma got caught stealing last week and Fred is having an affair with Giles at work. Everyone knows but I signed an iron clad pre-nup. I get EVERYTHING.’

12) ‘WASSUP!’

‘After 3 pints, my entire lexicon consists of outdated slogans from beverage and supermarket ads.’

13) ‘(whole family together) Welcome to the McCreedie residence. Unfortunately we’re all busy but leave a message and we’ll call you back.’

‘Mummy drinks and I was raised almost exclusively by various French nannies until they shipped me to boarding school. Christmas is weird.’

14) ‘[Insert religious passage] remember God loves you.’

‘I recently went through a divorce and was made redundant. After some hard liquor and drugs, I found Jesus. One day, I hope to be a fully fledged member of the Westboro Baptist Church.’

15) ‘This mailbox is full and you cannot leave a message.’

‘My whole life is chaos. Please help.’