Answer: No.

This is perhaps one of the most common questions that we are asked, ironically usually by other customers whilst we’re at work. It’s a paradox. Each client likes to distance themselves from what they perceive to be the ‘stripper client canon’ (see left). However, the vast majority of our clients are well… you. Young lads and lasses on a night out that at some point got a little to liberal with the tequila in the karaoke bar. Got fed up with the hen do singing loudly to Celion Dion and scattering luminous pink feathers everywhere and one person decided that you would definitely go to the strip club because that would be so wild. It’s curiosity mixed with titillation and vodka that draws people to strip clubs. The truly fun loving fetishists and perceived perverts and going much more hardcore than the tame lights and commercial atmosphere of our genteel establishments. Trust me.

So, how about a quick character analysis/critique of our average clients?

There are five lads on a night out. Circa age 23-25. They all work together in farming in a small village on the outskirts of the city. They’ve come into town for a ‘Big Saturday Night Out’ and wound up under the glare of the blacked out windows of the local gentleman’s club. One lad, about twenty minutes ago, decided that this would be a good idea and his right hand man agreed, following a treacherous drunken ramble from the local Spoons, they are now handing ID to a bouncer and have lost some of the steam and vigor with which they set out.

Lad 1 leaves with the first dancer to approach as he, having instigated the trip, must now make a point. He perks up some bravado to say, ‘See you later then, boys, don’t wait up.’

Lad 2, the right hand man, is left with an astronomical drinks bill as the other three sit down as close to the pole as they can without physically forcing their nose in the gorgeous buxom lady currently being kind enough to entertain the club. Lad 2 sits down just as the dancer steps down and joins them. Lad 2 disappears.

Lad 3 is incredible nervous and can hardly hide the sweat patches as a woman with long curled perfumed hair places a manicured hand on his shoulder and asks him how is night is with a big smile of white teeth. Lad 3 tries to mumble that he doesn’t want a dance and doesn’t have any money but Lad 1, having arrived back, pays for him because he thinks it’s funny and they go.

Now we’re left with two young men. One is on a never ending quest to please his girlfriend and perhaps finally get the BJ he was promised in 2012; and therefore with an air of pompous gallantry refuses every advance from any and all women. Proudly asserting things like, ‘I love my girlfriend.’, ‘I could never do it to her.’ and ‘I get it for free at home, love.’ The other is the Reluctant Bystander. The Reluctant Bystander once dated a feminist at university and was forced to read many confused and vague articles from Upworthy and Buzzfeed that state misinformed but well meaning observations about the sex industry and the women who work in it. He will spend the entire night upsetting and insulting every women he converses with. Not necessarily intentionally but he will refuse to accept any controversial information (despite this being his first opportunity to actually interview a true dancer) regarding his ‘moral objection’ to the industry. However, he will watch every woman on the pole with fervor and as soon as he is home fire up PornHub- thus taking from women for free what he so objects to pay for.

Perhaps I am being harsh. In the minority, we see all sorts from rich business men entertaining clients to lonely elderly gentlemen who just want to speak to a pretty woman for an evening. However, i will say that over archingly the problems in strip clubs are caused by otherwise pleasant young men that had too much to drink and are fuelled by the ego of having semi naked women hanging off of them and they start to behave like jerks. Remember that next time you’re visiting us. Be polite, don’t touch and tip if a woman has been courteous enough to allow you the pleasure of gazing at her naked form.

1) ‘This is the Vodafone voice mail service for [mobile number]’

‘I should have changed this week’s ago when my phone told me to but it stopped reminding me and I have no self motivation to figure out how to do it. I will also never listen to your message.’

2) ‘Hello this is Mr. Smith. Please leave a message.’

‘I have rigid morning and evening rituals and my work desk is colour coded.’

3) ‘Hello this is Mrs. Smith, head of Brighton dentistry, Bsc, PhD. Leave your name and your number and I will call you back when I am available.’

‘I never get time for sex and I live with 20 cats.’

4) Any pop song eg ‘I don’t feel like picking up the phone today. ..’

‘This took 22 tries. My instagram is full of overly complicated selfies and I try way too hard to make it look like I’m interesting.’

5) ‘Hello? Hello? Hello? AHA! Got you. Leave a message.’

‘I’m either 15 years old or I’m 40 and live at home refusing to mature past the mental age of 15.’

6) ‘This is Mummy’s phone. Leave Mummy a message.’

‘If you invite me out, I will tell you every single poop my child has had in great detail. I applied for Toddlers and Tiaras because to me my child is an accessory.’

7) ‘Welcome to BT call minder. Say your name followed by the hash key.’

‘I’m deeply xenophobic and I read the Daily Mail and/or I believe in conspiracy theories.’

8) ‘I am either not available or my phone is off. Leave a message and I’ll call you back.’

‘I’m screening your call and I will never call you back.’

9) ‘Welcome to the EE messaging service. ..’

‘I got totally screwed when my phone company became EE and now my contract is twice as expensive, my signal is shocking but the website is so uniquely user unfriendly that I’ve given up complaining every time I’ve ever tried.’

10) ‘welcome to GIF GAFS voice mail. ..’

‘I’m a cheap skate and this phone is a knock off made by child slaves.’

11) ‘This is  (woman) ‘Emma’, (man) ‘Fred’, (boy) ‘Tommy’ and (girl) ‘Katie’. We are not available right now.’

‘We play happy families but Emma got caught stealing last week and Fred is having an affair with Giles at work. Everyone knows but I signed an iron clad pre-nup. I get EVERYTHING.’

12) ‘WASSUP!’

‘After 3 pints, my entire lexicon consists of outdated slogans from beverage and supermarket ads.’

13) ‘(whole family together) Welcome to the McCreedie residence. Unfortunately we’re all busy but leave a message and we’ll call you back.’

‘Mummy drinks and I was raised almost exclusively by various French nannies until they shipped me to boarding school. Christmas is weird.’

14) ‘[Insert religious passage] remember God loves you.’

‘I recently went through a divorce and was made redundant. After some hard liquor and drugs, I found Jesus. One day, I hope to be a fully fledged member of the Westboro Baptist Church.’

15) ‘This mailbox is full and you cannot leave a message.’

‘My whole life is chaos. Please help.’